what is next??

Im sitting in the porn palace.while hubby is down at coles..my few days of pain free leg came to a halt when the lift broke down. 13 flights of stairs twice, plus lots of walks with our next load of ..Perth visitiors ..beautiful Pammy and new boy boyfriend.great footy ( apart from the score), great art ( bracks ) , food..cumulus, chocolate budda, il duca,gaia,

.went to see the physio .. who was unavailable..dropped in to get new pair of glasses..in the slippery slope ..and now 2 pairs of incredibly expensive glasses plus ? glaucoma and high cholesterol?? (I didnt go to the Optomotrist to ask that but he tod me any way)
..so now blind, crippled, memory loss, insomnia,.and worrying now as my Hannah and James drive across the nullabour..heading to the star in the east!!

my new job!!

My new job!!

So we have done the holiday in Tasmania..which gave husband a chance to de stress and stop reading work emails..and look into a lens of a camera instead. Ive given up trying to coerce/ suggest/beg / whine for connection any more..its his life..he wants to be looking at a screen or through a lens..not surprising. .Im still pretty flat and depressed ( ??)with my new life..crippled, cold, no friends..etc..etc.
Liking, in a sadistic way, to shrinking my life down. No demands . no expectations..but I get home from my first day at work ..all I want to do is go to bed..and try and distract myself from my loneliness..and longing for some connection. .. ambivalent as usual.

A lot of fear about my health.. no energy..still sore and limping..not sleeping at night..so stuffed all day, every day.

My new role models ..my students ..so sweet ….from 70 year old to 20 year old..about 15 of them.. enthusiastic..determined.I felt so alive and privileged to be with them..such a stong lesson in the gift of giving!! And Colleen the boss..a woman who 12 months ago broke her leg..and is now having treatment for breast cancer..smiling and positive a.. "no shit" sheila..

Just keep trying to reassure myself that all things will pass..impermanence is a given. I will adapt to this strange new life..keep going through the motions..I think work will help a lot..

My new book club!!

So I hobbled down to Fitzroy gardens in the freezing cold...and found this bunch of ladies...so diverse.. from an elegant Melbourne 70 years plus woman..with matching Red Beret and coat quiet and refined and dignified .. the old ex..hippy..long dangly earings..angry ex public servant..germaine greer type..but clearly had a good brain . to Senga, the photographer, organising the Ballarat foto Biannale....and we are all struggling to cope with Nancy..the eccentric, loud, woman with the sportscar, whose lived "all over the world", with weeping lipstick who sucked on her white wine while trying to get control when things got a bit erodite.."Why has Tim Winton won 4 MIles Frankiln awards ..it must be rigged??". she shrieked Twice.we were discussing Sonya Harnett at the time..but I loved it..these women have only been meeting for 1 year..so no goss about other people..no whose who..no perth minutia..

my highlght ..meeting Mary Ann Davidson..showing off her beautiful daughters' wedding photos....a calm woman ,..been in Melbourne for 15 months.. She arrived hungry and ordered sauasages and mash and a glass of wine.. ( found out later she'd been to mass) an ex social worker, who became a library teacher..and a neighbour.. a coffee after book club..we talked about family, spiruality, life as a wife. isolation.. and what it offers..a fter living in a tight community...A New Best friend..??I felt connect..she had time as did I ..not a quick "meeting" between meetings..

Progress?? Im not sure..

so I've learnt to walk on tippee / toes..a major break through according to my physio..

and Im about to become a dolphin at the richmond pool..cos an old duck told me I should only pay $2.oo,not $10 .00 now Im over 50.

And Ive got this phone call from some lady...lining me up for east melbourne book club tomorrow..right now I cant judge anything..but ill go..cos she was so nice...

meanwhile Penny got a massive promotion..shags working iis arse off..Jd and span moving to Sydney..T and T building a new kitchen..

Penny goes home and I practise tip toeing up and down to and fro the lift.. and hubby gets back on line.

maybe a little light on horizon

How emotions can change?? I went for an interview with a sweet young girl about doing some volly work with refugees..and started to feel alive again.. and had a sweet chat to my sweet son..who seems so different and content.. and my sweet daughter rang me asking how I was..I have a lot to be grateful for..

Than a complete waste of time trawling around a shopping centre reminding myself why I need to work..so not really a waste..
and an email when I got home..offering the possibilty of paid work teaching refugees..My self worth got back out of the gutter..I do have something to offer..Im not old and burnt out yet..
I can make a difference..

so downloading forms..getting references..getting going..even taught myself to burn a CD from itunes..

lethargic,lazy , listless...

watching oprah..talking about the importance of writing a journal .and wondering why I cant get off my arse and start going for it ..doing stuff, embarcing life..at least I made it to Yoga..and have cooked something for dinner. and finished my book about Ian GAwler who just fillls me with awe and makes me feel totally inadequate..I got some reassurance when reading about times when he got depressed and did nothing for months..Im only up to 2 months..so maybe im not that bad

but just got to push beyond the lethargy, so I stop hating mysef for being so ineffectual.
Tomorrow..
Im missing my kids .. heaps.. a constant dull ache..not acute..but constant..perth seems so far away.. and their buzziness and chaos and irreverence. I guess I write this thinking that one day they might want to read it..god they have given me so much joy and pride and I just cant believe how competant and brilliant they are..despite their fruitcake mother..I couldnt have been totally useless as a mother.. thinking of Tim acknowledging me on his wedding day ..still fills me with tears..

SO what am I doing ..I am trying to be a better person when hubbys around..Im Putting alot of effort into not whinging and into being kind and chirpy ..so maybe that is where all my energy is going..cos its pushing against the tide of my usual patterns.

Also conscious of how hard it is to make an effort to make new connections..just doesnt feel comfortable..so easy to avoid it and just be with myself..

Meditating at yoga was hard today...the mind is not at peace..not surprising really.

making baby steps

this is now the first day mobile again in melbourne..reinventing myself..making choices..so many options..Esl at embassy doesnt feel like its going to meet my needs..find new friends, belonging to a group, making a contribution...

reregistering as a psych..feels daunting..and the cynic remembers how much bullshit and self indulgence was required both as therapist and client...i'll fill in the forms

listening to Coln Toibin, makes me want to study literature...or at least do one unit to get with like minded people...
listening to the radio, an announcer admits to being an alcoholic who hasnt had a drink for 6 years...AA..one meeting would nt hurt
get energised by thought of catching up with Mia today..good young energy..
and Penny and susi for dinner tonight..and going to physio for the first time...baby steps