shitty headache and lethargy all day..but kept reminding myself about the need for patience and persistence and discipline.
If I was socializing it would be worse..so I cant even try for now..keep reading,watching stuff, playing on computer.
Feel lonely, disconnected..all part of the symptomsof detox Im sure. NOt wingeing to shags which is also good discipline...hes heard it all before and it doesnt change anything..Harden the fuck up ..the new motto!!
Good to have a go at the gym..even if it was half baked..tomorrow yoga?
Main challenge is not listening to the "poor me" in my head..all things pass ..this will too..x
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tough detox day 1 - 2011
Jesus .."lose your middle aged middle". My new self help book of torture..but Im surviving day one..one protein shake and herbal teas..plus a bit of protein coming for dinner for dinner
All good so far... but thirteen days of this to go..got to be done..the scales have never been this bad (77.8)..but total inertia and slightly depressed today and headache ( probably caffeine)..white knucling at this early stage ..jesus..
I must get back into my clothes and be comfy..that is my major goal and not to feel so bloated and sluggish.
Got to get out of the box tomorrow..but cant see the point..miss my mates in Perth but know I couldnt be spending time with them ..or anyone really right now. Embrace the solitude ..it wont be for long..books, tv, computer..and exercise!!
All good so far... but thirteen days of this to go..got to be done..the scales have never been this bad (77.8)..but total inertia and slightly depressed today and headache ( probably caffeine)..white knucling at this early stage ..jesus..
I must get back into my clothes and be comfy..that is my major goal and not to feel so bloated and sluggish.
Got to get out of the box tomorrow..but cant see the point..miss my mates in Perth but know I couldnt be spending time with them ..or anyone really right now. Embrace the solitude ..it wont be for long..books, tv, computer..and exercise!!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
In the moment
Now so happy its ridiculous.
.school is so much fun..for example..my dear 50 year old male student from Afganistan, whose entire family wiped out..except for his wife..a serious but extremely polite man..we had been drilling pronounciation - pass vs path, sick v thick. I had all the words in a little box..Each student had to select one and read it..Doust pulls his out and reads "sad" - unfortunatly he was reading it upside down..was "pass"..70 year old Chinese Pin, who had been industriously copying fron the board..told me at the end of class she " no looky looky..glasses not working"..still we have a ball..Im so energised by the end of the morning..
and than home to plan and organise holiday after holiday..today sydney , two weeks timePerth, 4 weeks Bali..China in March.
I love the fact that we dont know where we will be living next year..all will be well!!!xxx
WHat a lucky girl I am!!Not missing Perth at all now ( apart from Timmy and a few dear friends)..just in the moment in Melbourne..counting my blessings effortlessly and frequently
.school is so much fun..for example..my dear 50 year old male student from Afganistan, whose entire family wiped out..except for his wife..a serious but extremely polite man..we had been drilling pronounciation - pass vs path, sick v thick. I had all the words in a little box..Each student had to select one and read it..Doust pulls his out and reads "sad" - unfortunatly he was reading it upside down..was "pass"..70 year old Chinese Pin, who had been industriously copying fron the board..told me at the end of class she " no looky looky..glasses not working"..still we have a ball..Im so energised by the end of the morning..
and than home to plan and organise holiday after holiday..today sydney , two weeks timePerth, 4 weeks Bali..China in March.
I love the fact that we dont know where we will be living next year..all will be well!!!xxx
WHat a lucky girl I am!!Not missing Perth at all now ( apart from Timmy and a few dear friends)..just in the moment in Melbourne..counting my blessings effortlessly and frequently
Monday, November 9, 2009
need something..dont know what
3 months since last blog.. Im now through my significant, paralyzing, horrible depression..and the days are warm and I'm reasonably content with my little life for now..not doing enough..apart from two days with my students..and 3 times at the gym..my life lacks structure..love reading, playing on the computer, watching the box..but not enough!!...
keep brainstorming ideas..but none gel...just feel like i am marking time dong the bare minumum..waoting til my laziness pushes me to commit to something..sewing, art , film making, screen writing,, rowing,more good charity stuff, learn a language, master something onthe computer..get really fit..play guitar..on and on the ideas go with relentless circularity..at least I know what I dont want..mind fuck ..personal development type stuff
I just dont know..seeing Julie and JUlia last night..made me think about their efforts to fill voids in their lives and how fulfilled and challenged they both were..but they were both passionate about food and cooking..
come on universe throw something at me please!!!!!!!!
keep brainstorming ideas..but none gel...just feel like i am marking time dong the bare minumum..waoting til my laziness pushes me to commit to something..sewing, art , film making, screen writing,, rowing,more good charity stuff, learn a language, master something onthe computer..get really fit..play guitar..on and on the ideas go with relentless circularity..at least I know what I dont want..mind fuck ..personal development type stuff
I just dont know..seeing Julie and JUlia last night..made me think about their efforts to fill voids in their lives and how fulfilled and challenged they both were..but they were both passionate about food and cooking..
come on universe throw something at me please!!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Simon Johnson in fitzroy
My beautiful refuge students and I went on a walk yesterday..teaching a bit of mapping, left right, road signs plus an opportunity to check out their local suburb beyond the block of flats and the classroom.
we meandered along..past the local school where regina's son was playing with Thuy's daughter..little aussie accents and happy smiles..and came across Simon Johnsons home providore...couldnt resist..In we went..the gay purveyor of fine foods looked horrified, could hardly manage a hello . and a visible grimace..when as I asked to see the cheese fridge ..my students were bewildered, couldnot believe the range of cheese or the price tags
the relief on mr shopkeepers face as we left the shop was the highlight of the walk.
we meandered along..past the local school where regina's son was playing with Thuy's daughter..little aussie accents and happy smiles..and came across Simon Johnsons home providore...couldnt resist..In we went..the gay purveyor of fine foods looked horrified, could hardly manage a hello . and a visible grimace..when as I asked to see the cheese fridge ..my students were bewildered, couldnot believe the range of cheese or the price tags
the relief on mr shopkeepers face as we left the shop was the highlight of the walk.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
what is next??
Im sitting in the porn palace.while hubby is down at coles..my few days of pain free leg came to a halt when the lift broke down. 13 flights of stairs twice, plus lots of walks with our next load of ..Perth visitiors ..beautiful Pammy and new boy boyfriend.great footy ( apart from the score), great art ( bracks ) , food..cumulus, chocolate budda, il duca,gaia,
.went to see the physio .. who was unavailable..dropped in to get new pair of glasses..in the slippery slope ..and now 2 pairs of incredibly expensive glasses plus ? glaucoma and high cholesterol?? (I didnt go to the Optomotrist to ask that but he tod me any way)
..so now blind, crippled, memory loss, insomnia,.and worrying now as my Hannah and James drive across the nullabour..heading to the star in the east!!
.went to see the physio .. who was unavailable..dropped in to get new pair of glasses..in the slippery slope ..and now 2 pairs of incredibly expensive glasses plus ? glaucoma and high cholesterol?? (I didnt go to the Optomotrist to ask that but he tod me any way)
..so now blind, crippled, memory loss, insomnia,.and worrying now as my Hannah and James drive across the nullabour..heading to the star in the east!!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
my new job!!
My new job!!
So we have done the holiday in Tasmania..which gave husband a chance to de stress and stop reading work emails..and look into a lens of a camera instead. Ive given up trying to coerce/ suggest/beg / whine for connection any more..its his life..he wants to be looking at a screen or through a lens..not surprising. .Im still pretty flat and depressed ( ??)with my new life..crippled, cold, no friends..etc..etc.
Liking, in a sadistic way, to shrinking my life down. No demands . no expectations..but I get home from my first day at work ..all I want to do is go to bed..and try and distract myself from my loneliness..and longing for some connection. .. ambivalent as usual.
A lot of fear about my health.. no energy..still sore and limping..not sleeping at night..so stuffed all day, every day.
My new role models ..my students ..so sweet ….from 70 year old to 20 year old..about 15 of them.. enthusiastic..determined.I felt so alive and privileged to be with them..such a stong lesson in the gift of giving!! And Colleen the boss..a woman who 12 months ago broke her leg..and is now having treatment for breast cancer..smiling and positive a.. "no shit" sheila..
Just keep trying to reassure myself that all things will pass..impermanence is a given. I will adapt to this strange new life..keep going through the motions..I think work will help a lot..
So we have done the holiday in Tasmania..which gave husband a chance to de stress and stop reading work emails..and look into a lens of a camera instead. Ive given up trying to coerce/ suggest/beg / whine for connection any more..its his life..he wants to be looking at a screen or through a lens..not surprising. .Im still pretty flat and depressed ( ??)with my new life..crippled, cold, no friends..etc..etc.
Liking, in a sadistic way, to shrinking my life down. No demands . no expectations..but I get home from my first day at work ..all I want to do is go to bed..and try and distract myself from my loneliness..and longing for some connection. .. ambivalent as usual.
A lot of fear about my health.. no energy..still sore and limping..not sleeping at night..so stuffed all day, every day.
My new role models ..my students ..so sweet ….from 70 year old to 20 year old..about 15 of them.. enthusiastic..determined.I felt so alive and privileged to be with them..such a stong lesson in the gift of giving!! And Colleen the boss..a woman who 12 months ago broke her leg..and is now having treatment for breast cancer..smiling and positive a.. "no shit" sheila..
Just keep trying to reassure myself that all things will pass..impermanence is a given. I will adapt to this strange new life..keep going through the motions..I think work will help a lot..
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