maybe a little light on horizon

How emotions can change?? I went for an interview with a sweet young girl about doing some volly work with refugees..and started to feel alive again.. and had a sweet chat to my sweet son..who seems so different and content.. and my sweet daughter rang me asking how I was..I have a lot to be grateful for..

Than a complete waste of time trawling around a shopping centre reminding myself why I need to work..so not really a waste..
and an email when I got home..offering the possibilty of paid work teaching refugees..My self worth got back out of the gutter..I do have something to offer..Im not old and burnt out yet..
I can make a difference..

so downloading forms..getting references..getting going..even taught myself to burn a CD from itunes..

lethargic,lazy , listless...

watching oprah..talking about the importance of writing a journal .and wondering why I cant get off my arse and start going for it ..doing stuff, embarcing life..at least I made it to Yoga..and have cooked something for dinner. and finished my book about Ian GAwler who just fillls me with awe and makes me feel totally inadequate..I got some reassurance when reading about times when he got depressed and did nothing for months..Im only up to 2 months..so maybe im not that bad

but just got to push beyond the lethargy, so I stop hating mysef for being so ineffectual.
Tomorrow..
Im missing my kids .. heaps.. a constant dull ache..not acute..but constant..perth seems so far away.. and their buzziness and chaos and irreverence. I guess I write this thinking that one day they might want to read it..god they have given me so much joy and pride and I just cant believe how competant and brilliant they are..despite their fruitcake mother..I couldnt have been totally useless as a mother.. thinking of Tim acknowledging me on his wedding day ..still fills me with tears..

SO what am I doing ..I am trying to be a better person when hubbys around..Im Putting alot of effort into not whinging and into being kind and chirpy ..so maybe that is where all my energy is going..cos its pushing against the tide of my usual patterns.

Also conscious of how hard it is to make an effort to make new connections..just doesnt feel comfortable..so easy to avoid it and just be with myself..

Meditating at yoga was hard today...the mind is not at peace..not surprising really.

making baby steps

this is now the first day mobile again in melbourne..reinventing myself..making choices..so many options..Esl at embassy doesnt feel like its going to meet my needs..find new friends, belonging to a group, making a contribution...

reregistering as a psych..feels daunting..and the cynic remembers how much bullshit and self indulgence was required both as therapist and client...i'll fill in the forms

listening to Coln Toibin, makes me want to study literature...or at least do one unit to get with like minded people...
listening to the radio, an announcer admits to being an alcoholic who hasnt had a drink for 6 years...AA..one meeting would nt hurt
get energised by thought of catching up with Mia today..good young energy..
and Penny and susi for dinner tonight..and going to physio for the first time...baby steps

now I am fried!!

So ...I have done my beautiful son's wedding in my moonboot..feeling so much love and pain and admiration for him and therese..and reconnecting with my ex husband..and old mother in law..in tears so often..and not understanding why/.. and such happy moments with my kids and my kids friends and all their open irreverent lives..so easy and SO much fun..
and now feeling vulnerable and wondering what has happened..that I am now living in Melbourne..and another week of friends in Perth..with such beautiful, mad friends...and now back knowing im lucky to be in Melbourne..but wondering why it doesnt feel like that..

the next step..need to work out if I therapy or a personal coach or a personal trainer or a physiotherapist, or a friend, or AA or a shrink or the bullet..my pain in my leg reminds me that this is not all in my head..
Meanwhile hubby so happy and focused with his work and his melbourne life ..and clearly frustrated with his stupid unemployed, cripppled,wife... such a big divide..
I will figure this out!! not that big a deal after looking at the photos of young brothers in the 1900s n the Somme at the bendigo art gallery today.what they dealt with was real.life /death stuff.

Count your blessings!!

After being totally pissed off and miserable for a few days, finally time to revisit the doctor..Husband in a frenzy cos we were kept waiting so long..it is outrageous how unprofessional and disorganized are the specialist and his staff. "Yes you need a CT scan".."no you need an xray ".."no you need neither"..wait 2 hours ..to see the arrogant, loud, orthopod for 5 minutes..who says I need an xray ..by this time hubby has had to leave the building he is seething.

so I go back down stairs to get an xray, 2.5 hours after we had arrived.

Meanwhile in the x ray waiting room, a sad, skinny , tearful 40 something woman asks me politely about my leg ..I whinge and complain..and she quietly says " Yep , Ive had some difficult health issues this year"..turns out she has after 10 year remission following ovarian cancer, now it has reappeared in pancreas, bones and brain..Her fiancee of 3 years left 3 months ago , cos he couldnt handle it..tears welled in her eyes.."Ive been crying all day". she said Usually I make an effort to dress up and put on makeup for appts ...today I couldnt be bothered"

I felt so sad for her and ashamed of myself. My broken leg is nothing..