watching oprah..talking about the importance of writing a journal .and wondering why I cant get off my arse and start going for it ..doing stuff, embarcing life..at least I made it to Yoga..and have cooked something for dinner. and finished my book about Ian GAwler who just fillls me with awe and makes me feel totally inadequate..I got some reassurance when reading about times when he got depressed and did nothing for months..Im only up to 2 months..so maybe im not that bad
but just got to push beyond the lethargy, so I stop hating mysef for being so ineffectual.
Tomorrow..
Im missing my kids .. heaps.. a constant dull ache..not acute..but constant..perth seems so far away.. and their buzziness and chaos and irreverence. I guess I write this thinking that one day they might want to read it..god they have given me so much joy and pride and I just cant believe how competant and brilliant they are..despite their fruitcake mother..I couldnt have been totally useless as a mother.. thinking of Tim acknowledging me on his wedding day ..still fills me with tears..
SO what am I doing ..I am trying to be a better person when hubbys around..Im Putting alot of effort into not whinging and into being kind and chirpy ..so maybe that is where all my energy is going..cos its pushing against the tide of my usual patterns.
Also conscious of how hard it is to make an effort to make new connections..just doesnt feel comfortable..so easy to avoid it and just be with myself..
Meditating at yoga was hard today...the mind is not at peace..not surprising really.
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