In the moment

Now so happy its ridiculous.

.school is so much fun..for example..my dear 50 year old male student from Afganistan, whose entire family wiped out..except for his wife..a serious but extremely polite man..we had been drilling pronounciation - pass vs path, sick v thick. I had all the words in a little box..Each student had to select one and read it..Doust pulls his out and reads "sad" - unfortunatly he was reading it upside down..was "pass"..70 year old Chinese Pin, who had been industriously copying fron the board..told me at the end of class she " no looky looky..glasses not working"..still we have a ball..Im so energised by the end of the morning..

and than home to plan and organise holiday after holiday..today sydney , two weeks timePerth, 4 weeks Bali..China in March.
I love the fact that we dont know where we will be living next year..all will be well!!!xxx

WHat a lucky girl I am!!Not missing Perth at all now ( apart from Timmy and a few dear friends)..just in the moment in Melbourne..counting my blessings effortlessly and frequently

need something..dont know what

3 months since last blog.. Im now through my significant, paralyzing, horrible depression..and the days are warm and I'm reasonably content with my little life for now..not doing enough..apart from two days with my students..and 3 times at the gym..my life lacks structure..love reading, playing on the computer, watching the box..but not enough!!...

keep brainstorming ideas..but none gel...just feel like i am marking time dong the bare minumum..waoting til my laziness pushes me to commit to something..sewing, art , film making, screen writing,, rowing,more good charity stuff, learn a language, master something onthe computer..get really fit..play guitar..on and on the ideas go with relentless circularity..at least I know what I dont want..mind fuck ..personal development type stuff
I just dont know..seeing Julie and JUlia last night..made me think about their efforts to fill voids in their lives and how fulfilled and challenged they both were..but they were both passionate about food and cooking..

come on universe throw something at me please!!!!!!!!

Simon Johnson in fitzroy

My beautiful refuge students and I went on a walk yesterday..teaching a bit of mapping, left right, road signs plus an opportunity to check out their local suburb beyond the block of flats and the classroom.

we meandered along..past the local school where regina's son was playing with Thuy's daughter..little aussie accents and happy smiles..and came across Simon Johnsons home providore...couldnt resist..In we went..the gay purveyor of fine foods looked horrified, could hardly manage a hello . and a visible grimace..when as I asked to see the cheese fridge ..my students were bewildered, couldnot believe the range of cheese or the price tags


the relief on mr shopkeepers face as we left the shop was the highlight of the walk.

what is next??

Im sitting in the porn palace.while hubby is down at coles..my few days of pain free leg came to a halt when the lift broke down. 13 flights of stairs twice, plus lots of walks with our next load of ..Perth visitiors ..beautiful Pammy and new boy boyfriend.great footy ( apart from the score), great art ( bracks ) , food..cumulus, chocolate budda, il duca,gaia,

.went to see the physio .. who was unavailable..dropped in to get new pair of glasses..in the slippery slope ..and now 2 pairs of incredibly expensive glasses plus ? glaucoma and high cholesterol?? (I didnt go to the Optomotrist to ask that but he tod me any way)
..so now blind, crippled, memory loss, insomnia,.and worrying now as my Hannah and James drive across the nullabour..heading to the star in the east!!

my new job!!

My new job!!

So we have done the holiday in Tasmania..which gave husband a chance to de stress and stop reading work emails..and look into a lens of a camera instead. Ive given up trying to coerce/ suggest/beg / whine for connection any more..its his life..he wants to be looking at a screen or through a lens..not surprising. .Im still pretty flat and depressed ( ??)with my new life..crippled, cold, no friends..etc..etc.
Liking, in a sadistic way, to shrinking my life down. No demands . no expectations..but I get home from my first day at work ..all I want to do is go to bed..and try and distract myself from my loneliness..and longing for some connection. .. ambivalent as usual.

A lot of fear about my health.. no energy..still sore and limping..not sleeping at night..so stuffed all day, every day.

My new role models ..my students ..so sweet ….from 70 year old to 20 year old..about 15 of them.. enthusiastic..determined.I felt so alive and privileged to be with them..such a stong lesson in the gift of giving!! And Colleen the boss..a woman who 12 months ago broke her leg..and is now having treatment for breast cancer..smiling and positive a.. "no shit" sheila..

Just keep trying to reassure myself that all things will pass..impermanence is a given. I will adapt to this strange new life..keep going through the motions..I think work will help a lot..

My new book club!!

So I hobbled down to Fitzroy gardens in the freezing cold...and found this bunch of ladies...so diverse.. from an elegant Melbourne 70 years plus woman..with matching Red Beret and coat quiet and refined and dignified .. the old ex..hippy..long dangly earings..angry ex public servant..germaine greer type..but clearly had a good brain . to Senga, the photographer, organising the Ballarat foto Biannale....and we are all struggling to cope with Nancy..the eccentric, loud, woman with the sportscar, whose lived "all over the world", with weeping lipstick who sucked on her white wine while trying to get control when things got a bit erodite.."Why has Tim Winton won 4 MIles Frankiln awards ..it must be rigged??". she shrieked Twice.we were discussing Sonya Harnett at the time..but I loved it..these women have only been meeting for 1 year..so no goss about other people..no whose who..no perth minutia..

my highlght ..meeting Mary Ann Davidson..showing off her beautiful daughters' wedding photos....a calm woman ,..been in Melbourne for 15 months.. She arrived hungry and ordered sauasages and mash and a glass of wine.. ( found out later she'd been to mass) an ex social worker, who became a library teacher..and a neighbour.. a coffee after book club..we talked about family, spiruality, life as a wife. isolation.. and what it offers..a fter living in a tight community...A New Best friend..??I felt connect..she had time as did I ..not a quick "meeting" between meetings..

Progress?? Im not sure..

so I've learnt to walk on tippee / toes..a major break through according to my physio..

and Im about to become a dolphin at the richmond pool..cos an old duck told me I should only pay $2.oo,not $10 .00 now Im over 50.

And Ive got this phone call from some lady...lining me up for east melbourne book club tomorrow..right now I cant judge anything..but ill go..cos she was so nice...

meanwhile Penny got a massive promotion..shags working iis arse off..Jd and span moving to Sydney..T and T building a new kitchen..

Penny goes home and I practise tip toeing up and down to and fro the lift.. and hubby gets back on line.

maybe a little light on horizon

How emotions can change?? I went for an interview with a sweet young girl about doing some volly work with refugees..and started to feel alive again.. and had a sweet chat to my sweet son..who seems so different and content.. and my sweet daughter rang me asking how I was..I have a lot to be grateful for..

Than a complete waste of time trawling around a shopping centre reminding myself why I need to work..so not really a waste..
and an email when I got home..offering the possibilty of paid work teaching refugees..My self worth got back out of the gutter..I do have something to offer..Im not old and burnt out yet..
I can make a difference..

so downloading forms..getting references..getting going..even taught myself to burn a CD from itunes..

lethargic,lazy , listless...

watching oprah..talking about the importance of writing a journal .and wondering why I cant get off my arse and start going for it ..doing stuff, embarcing life..at least I made it to Yoga..and have cooked something for dinner. and finished my book about Ian GAwler who just fillls me with awe and makes me feel totally inadequate..I got some reassurance when reading about times when he got depressed and did nothing for months..Im only up to 2 months..so maybe im not that bad

but just got to push beyond the lethargy, so I stop hating mysef for being so ineffectual.
Tomorrow..
Im missing my kids .. heaps.. a constant dull ache..not acute..but constant..perth seems so far away.. and their buzziness and chaos and irreverence. I guess I write this thinking that one day they might want to read it..god they have given me so much joy and pride and I just cant believe how competant and brilliant they are..despite their fruitcake mother..I couldnt have been totally useless as a mother.. thinking of Tim acknowledging me on his wedding day ..still fills me with tears..

SO what am I doing ..I am trying to be a better person when hubbys around..Im Putting alot of effort into not whinging and into being kind and chirpy ..so maybe that is where all my energy is going..cos its pushing against the tide of my usual patterns.

Also conscious of how hard it is to make an effort to make new connections..just doesnt feel comfortable..so easy to avoid it and just be with myself..

Meditating at yoga was hard today...the mind is not at peace..not surprising really.

making baby steps

this is now the first day mobile again in melbourne..reinventing myself..making choices..so many options..Esl at embassy doesnt feel like its going to meet my needs..find new friends, belonging to a group, making a contribution...

reregistering as a psych..feels daunting..and the cynic remembers how much bullshit and self indulgence was required both as therapist and client...i'll fill in the forms

listening to Coln Toibin, makes me want to study literature...or at least do one unit to get with like minded people...
listening to the radio, an announcer admits to being an alcoholic who hasnt had a drink for 6 years...AA..one meeting would nt hurt
get energised by thought of catching up with Mia today..good young energy..
and Penny and susi for dinner tonight..and going to physio for the first time...baby steps

now I am fried!!

So ...I have done my beautiful son's wedding in my moonboot..feeling so much love and pain and admiration for him and therese..and reconnecting with my ex husband..and old mother in law..in tears so often..and not understanding why/.. and such happy moments with my kids and my kids friends and all their open irreverent lives..so easy and SO much fun..
and now feeling vulnerable and wondering what has happened..that I am now living in Melbourne..and another week of friends in Perth..with such beautiful, mad friends...and now back knowing im lucky to be in Melbourne..but wondering why it doesnt feel like that..

the next step..need to work out if I therapy or a personal coach or a personal trainer or a physiotherapist, or a friend, or AA or a shrink or the bullet..my pain in my leg reminds me that this is not all in my head..
Meanwhile hubby so happy and focused with his work and his melbourne life ..and clearly frustrated with his stupid unemployed, cripppled,wife... such a big divide..
I will figure this out!! not that big a deal after looking at the photos of young brothers in the 1900s n the Somme at the bendigo art gallery today.what they dealt with was real.life /death stuff.

Count your blessings!!

After being totally pissed off and miserable for a few days, finally time to revisit the doctor..Husband in a frenzy cos we were kept waiting so long..it is outrageous how unprofessional and disorganized are the specialist and his staff. "Yes you need a CT scan".."no you need an xray ".."no you need neither"..wait 2 hours ..to see the arrogant, loud, orthopod for 5 minutes..who says I need an xray ..by this time hubby has had to leave the building he is seething.

so I go back down stairs to get an xray, 2.5 hours after we had arrived.

Meanwhile in the x ray waiting room, a sad, skinny , tearful 40 something woman asks me politely about my leg ..I whinge and complain..and she quietly says " Yep , Ive had some difficult health issues this year"..turns out she has after 10 year remission following ovarian cancer, now it has reappeared in pancreas, bones and brain..Her fiancee of 3 years left 3 months ago , cos he couldnt handle it..tears welled in her eyes.."Ive been crying all day". she said Usually I make an effort to dress up and put on makeup for appts ...today I couldnt be bothered"

I felt so sad for her and ashamed of myself. My broken leg is nothing..

its off!!

the cast is off ..My scrawny withered leg has had a scrub in the bath and I can wiggle my ankle..cant bear the thought of the moon boot..but know it must go on..soon..like in 10 minutes..
running into all my fellow crips in the doctors waiting room today reminds me there are millions of us on this tedious journey..

good stuff

The expectation was huge..with Hannah coming over to Melbourne for the first time.. I was counting the days , the hours, the minutes..and finally at there she was ..and I remember why I miss her so much.all of her ...her loudness, her bossyness, her pleasure bunny, in the moment stuff..her ability to wizz up a huge assignment on some marketing project, at the same time..shop searching, chatting on phone, and talking to me..head off to a job interview like it was no big deal. And off to Wicked, the musical..and after simple stuff like watching the footy on telly and feeling so lucky..and also worrying about her discontent..and wishing I could fix it and knowing that I cant

and meanwhile on the back burner my preoccupaption with Tim being here for his bucks weekend ..and no plans to visit me..and me angsting and..not coping and feeling angry and resentful..and then on sunday ..he turns up with a bunch of tired hungover boys..eats a few chops ..debriefs the highlights ( his mate getting busted on the footy oval - $2-6000 fine..they all loved that)..and I get to go to the G in my wheel chair...with him and his mates..courtesy of darling hubbys amazing generousity..and spanner chatting up a HAwks player , who looked totally traumatised ..poor little thing..) ..and than the phone call that their plane was cancelled and 6 of them may have to sleep on the floor!! They didnt!!

And again another backburner..anxious health thoughts..preoccupation with mortality, career, my lifes' purpose , why am I in Melbourne??.. too much time to think..mindful, mindless meanderings..triggered by my sore leg, my mothers constant complaining( is this my destiny??) insomnia, missing my mates, and not much to do..

Over it!!

Now Im officially over it!! Pissed off and sick of being positive,strong and grateful and it could be worse etc etc
Being stuck in an appt in a new city with no real mates..sucks!! Hobbling around on crutches feels unsafe and tiring..even radio national is boring..and that usually keeps me going..

The thought of still being on crutches for tim and thesese's wedding makes me really grumpy..

I cant figure out how to find a friend in cyberspace...cos I dont want to..
When I look at other people's blogs..I wonder why they bother..self indulgent crap..not making a useful contribution to the planet in any way..just pollution ...

I think the lack of physical exercise is getting me down..whinge, whinge, whine , whine..

PS Only highlight this week was dragging myself out of my wheel chair in the foyer and pulling the handrail off the wall!!got a laugh out of that..

Weekend highlights as a cripple!!

..all by myself I managed to order home delivered thai takeaway..and let the boy in and find my purse and pay for it and eat it..all from crutches and a wheel chair..

..my darling hubby taking me for my first little push in my wheelchair...hit the curb with vigor and I lurched out of the chair onto my arse..A good look!!

..joined sugardaddy.com to see how hard it is looking for love on line..apart from killing masses of time ..it seems way to much effort for me..so I wont be trading my nurse betty in , in a hurry

..a photo sent from Tim for mothers day..seen from a coffee shop in sydney..a sky writer "mum"

..playing with charlie bedbrook on skype..he is still carrying around my audi keys...3 months later!!

and the most beautiful moment..finding Shakila's phone number and ringing her out of the blue..hearing the joy in her voice, her English so much improved....she is a wonderful, strong, survivor..keeps my blessed life in perspective.

Now what??

Ok so now im blogging..I need to observe..

watching my little ants running around the G, furiously working on their fitness..

a phone call from hubby laughing at the idiotic, tragic barristers being so important waiting for court..puffing themselves up ....not talking to him cos he's not important enough..reminded me of Alex McCall Smith talking about the vital importance of good manners

...getting a phonephoto from my manic , beautiful friend, whose just woken up in Eagle bay..with red wine all over her jarmies ( And a hangover) saying once you're in a wheel chair, Jane, you could come to england with me

....another text just in, typed one handed by my breastfeeding friend, struggling with her 2 year old throwing toys at her and her new born..dear little charlie not loving his new reality much it seems...

..another email from my best best friend, which made me cry


so much to take in ....
with out moving an inch

My first blog moment

Testing testing.. never stop learning

already this morning I have taken a photo of myself and taught myself to send it to my computer and to my friends via email and now to my blog site..who ever said "old dogs ..new tricks"..hasn't met me..Im not going to be defeated by by new circumstances..unable to walk. new city . no best friends,..such unsignificant probs really...